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21 May 2011

What to do in case the Rapture actually happens.

So, this is it. Today is Judgement Day. Cry mightily unto God, and all that.

Apparently Jesus missed the Out Campaign lapel pin and the Godless t-shirt.

I suspect that some of my readers may not be heaven-bound, but in case you do get caught up in the Rapture, here are some things that you should keep in mind:

  1. Don't ask awkward questions.

    Saying things like "Why didn't you make the Bible a grand work of art and peerless scientific knowledge, rather than a backward text mostly indistinguishable from other factually inaccurate books of mythology written by ignorant, desert-dwelling peoples with a rather petty and provincial outlook?" will just get you in trouble.

  2. Have some iron at the ready. Grab a cast iron frying pan (or similar object) as you're being Raptured. You may be able to use it to blackmail God into letting you into heaven. Iron is Jehovah's kryptonite. (Judges 1:19)

  3. If you think that you might have committed just a few too many sins to get into heaven, try haggling.

    When God initially decides to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah for their sins, Abraham gets the Lord to agree that if there are fifty righteous men among the cities, they shall be spared. Then, in a display that would forever mark the Jews as a thrifty people, Abraham spends the next six verses haggling God from fifty men down to ten. (Genesis 18:23–32)

    So much for objective morality.

  4. Renounce your family, and generally be a dick to them. Apparently Jesus likes that. (Luke 14:26)

  5. If God really isn't having any of it and demands evidence that you were a righteous person, as a last resort you could always ask him to take your goodness on faith.

Am I the only one who wonders why images of the Rapture seem to always depict people (clothed or otherwise) floating upward? I thought that we'd got past that whole "heaven is in the clouds" thing by the time that we invented aeroplanes and space shuttles. Doesn't modern theology say that Heaven is in an alternate, nonphysical dimension or something?

Of course, Jesus was also taken up to heaven in Acts 1:9–11. Did he forget that it wasn't just hovering up there in the clouds? Or was heaven moved by the time aeroplanes were invented? Presumably the angelic chorus isn't a hazard for aircraft. I mean, what the hell, God?

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